Thinking of you
by Profoundbonddestiel
Summary: So.. I got an Idea for this fic.. because of two reasons.. one.. being in a ball of feels from the season 8 finale of Supernatural.. and two .. listening to Thinking of You by Katy Perry… Know where I am going yet? It's my first attempt at a fic. So be Nice.. I know it might not be that great.. but I tried. Takes place post Swan song, but instead of Cas being revived.. he is gone


Dean was sitting on the trunk of the Impala next to Castiel. They stared silently, blankly up at the stars in the sky. Water slowly began to fall from Dean's eyes. He nonchalantly rubbed at it, trying to fight the tears back.. but then the piercing image of Sammy falling into the Pit flashed into his head. Sam's last words echoing in his mind. _It's okay Dean. I got him._ Dean looked down at the old tattered boots tied on to his feet.. He was trying hard not to not let Cas know that he was losing it. However Cas caught on. Almost instantly. Dean wasn't necessarily hiding his emotions that well. Cas scooted closer to him. wrapping his arm around Dean, pulling him close into his Trench Coat. 'It's okay Dean. You don't have to fight it. Crying is a natural human emotion.. There is no need to hide it from me" Cas smiled rubbing the small of Dean's back, placing his chin gently on top of Dean's head. Dean began to smile through his tears, looking up hopefully into the angel's caring blue eyes. Cas smiled back at him… before seconds later exploding into a million bloody pieces.

Dean woke up from abruptly in bed, laying next to Lisa. She was sound asleep. He hadn't even noticed she had come to bed. Dean's eyes scanned her exposed body. She was laying on top of the sheets in what appeared to be black lingerie. Ben was staying at a friend's house tonight, and she had known how hard of a time Dean was having. This was most likely her attempt impress him, and help him feel better. She knew he had nightmares of the event that happened a mere month ago. He had told her about it, but he left out many details. She knew it was too painful for him to talk about.. so she didn't pry. This wasn't the worst nightmare he had woken from either. They varied from waking up screaming, to ripping pillows apart.. Lisa never scolded him any of the times he had woken her from a dead slumber. She just pulled him close and comforted him until he fell back asleep. He couldn't bring himself to wake her tonight.. she was fast asleep.

There was no possible way that he was going to be able to fall back asleep tonight though. He looked at the clock at the bed side table. 2:00 AM Flashed across it, and his stomach sank. He closed his eyes in pain. Vivid images of a man with a 5' o clock shadow, dirty trench coat, and light blue eyes filled his mind. All pulled together with a blank expression on across his face. Staring off into nothing. Dean clutched his chest, and stumbled from the bed. He had to get out of here.. he quickly opened the bedroom door and made his way down the stairs into the kitchen hurrying for the sink. He turned the water on cold and splashed his face, quickly slapping his cheeks as if to destroy the painful images from his memory.

His racing heartbeat began to finally slow, and he made his way to the refrigerator, pulling out a bottle of beer from the top shelf, cracking it open. He took a long drink before he sat down at one of the chairs at a nearby table. He put his head in his knees taking deep breaths to clear his head.

"Dean? Are you down there?"

Lisa asked concerned from atop the echoing stairs. Dean took a deep breath before responding, and wiped his face one last time, " Yeah! I'll be up in a minute I just grabbed a quick drink!"

Dean turned and looked out the dark window behind him. His bare chest was a faint pink. Slowly returning to normal after his brief melt down. He looked down. He didn't realize he was still in his boxers. Things happened so suddenly.. he didn't even have time to process he was in his underwear. He didn't know what was coming over him.. why after a month were image coming back to him so strongly. He needed to do something to get his mind off things.. and If there was one thing Dean Winchester knew, it was what made him happy… Beer and women.

He smiled at his reflection, 'Well already half way to happiness. Mid as well go the whole way/!' His feet quickly hurried back up the stairs to find Lisa sprawled on the bed waiting for him. Her bra tossed off to the floor, beckoning him over. Dean did not waste anytime. He quickly crawled onto the bed next to Lisa pulling her close to him. Kissing her deep and passionately. His lips made there way down her neck. Teeth gently nibbling at her skin. Dean's breath picked up, as his lips met the center of her chest. His eyes fell shut, as Lisa's soft smooth skin turned scarred and rough. Dean's heart raced faster as he worked his lips back up the neck instead, finding… _His_ lips. His chapped, warm welcoming lips. Cas's eyes were closed as dean pulled his fingers through his messy hair. His lips were all he wanted.. Dean didn't want him to go away. A tear fell down his face. His hands worked there way up his back, to cas's messy hair that he missed.._ He Loved.._

When it was over and reality fell back into place.. Lisa quickly fell asleep next to him.. While Dean laid there staring at the ceiling.. He felt empty.. cold.. heartbroken… Tears began to fall silently down his face.. He missed his brother so much, and in addition that.. he missed his best friend. He never realized how much he truly cared for Cas.. until tonight, but it made sense. For first time since Dean stumbled into Lisa's house a month ago.. he felt completely and utterly broken.. Cas is who he needed. Cas is who he wanted… desperately.. He needed him.. He needed him to comfort him.. to help him through his pain.. If Sammy was gone.. the one person who could help him through it would be Cas.. but Cas was gone too.. all his loved ones were.. He couldn't stay here anymore he had to leave… he had to do something. He couldn't stay here with Lisa.. when his heart.. wasn't really here with her.. maybe he would start hunting again? Maybe he would go to an Ozzy concert? He just needed to go.. and do something to get his mind off these emotions. He knew he promised Sammy he would live a normal life.. but he wasn't normal. He wouldn't ever be normal… It's the kind of life he was born into… and it's the only way Dean thought that he could finally stop mourning and move on.. It wasn't fair to Lisa either.. when his heart wasn't ready to love her.. when it was still hung up on someone else..

It was 4:00AM now, and instead of fleeing the bedroom like earlier.. dean quietly got out of bed, and pulled on a pair of jeans that were folded on the ground. He opened the closet and found his old flannel button down that he favored so much. He reached under the bed for a pair of tattered boots that rested collecting dust. He swiftly slipped them on to his feet and tied the laces.

He quietly made his way down the stairs, into the kitchen once more. He fumbled through one of the drawers and pulled out a notepad to scribble a note to Lisa. Apologizing, and thanking her.. He did care about Lisa, but he wasn't ready to love her.. not now… maybe not ever.

Everything he needed would be in his Baby. He opened the door to the garage made his way through the dark, and ripped the beige tarp off her. The Impala shined in the dark light of the garage. 'Oh Baby.. I missed you too"

He turned the key in the ignition, and listened to the engine purr.

His heart still hurt, but he knew what he needed.

He pulled out of the garage as _Back in Black_ by AC/DC roared from the impala's speakers. Dean laughed, as he shook his head at the irony of it.

Dean didn't have a destination in mind, he just wanted to drive. He was Focused on two things.. his music, and the road. It wasn't until the Impala's gas light finally popped up that he realized he needed to stop.

He pulled into an old gas station off the side of the road, and began filling the tank with gas. As the car fillled up, he ran into the store, and grabbed something to eat. He left the store smiling to himself rifling through the plastic bag like a kid on Halloween. _I knew there was a good reason I kept these credit cards. Thank you Javier Pumpleton!_

As he looked up… his heart fell into his stomach..

A dark haired man in a trench coat leaned against the black hood of the Impala staring off into the distance.

Dean's mouth fell open… God. This can't be another dream.. he wasn't prepared to see Cas explode into a million bloody pieces again..

Dean punched himself in the face.. instantly regretting it when he felt a sharp pain, and tasted blood in his mouth.

"Son of a bitch…"

Castiel turned.. making eye contact with Dean.

Cas's dazed blue eyes were red, and wet. it was evident he had been crying for sometime..

"Hello Dean.."

"Cas.. you're alive..?"

"Dean.. I'm so sor.."

Dean dropped the plastic bag, and pulled Cas into his arms tightly. He didn't think he was prepared to ever let him go. The contents of the plastic bag escaped scattering underneath the Impala. Dean couldn't give a damn. It was all replaceable to him.. This moment.. Cas… would never be.


End file.
